Just to warn you, this won’t be a fuzzy warm, feel good happy post so if you don’t want to read a downer post, you may want to skip this one. If not, well read on. You were warned.
It’s been almost two years since my brother passed away and some days I do o.k with it and some days it’s like it just happened again all over. The holidays this year seem to be particularly rough. I think it probably has to do with two of my kids are away from home this year. I realize they have lives and need to live them but it still leaves a void that just isn’t getting any less painful. I read somewhere that you need to get to the source of the pain and examine it to maybe help get over it. But holy buckets, its like I’m in a caldera and this pain is a very active volcano with a very thin layer of cooled lava that loves to break at the most awkward moments and splash on raw burned skin all over again.
Some would say, he was only your brother, but we were only 18 months apart in age. I am older than he is. He was always there. Big, strong, stubborn and a pain in the ass at times. I was always so happy to see him and so proud of him. Yeah when the drinking got really bad, not so much but I still loved him. He was my brother. I feel guilty he is gone, like I should have known or done something. But I also know he was a grown man and very stubborn. He wouldn’t have wanted his sister hovering over him and fussing over him. I used to fear death at times, now lately, it’s hard to describe. I am not seeking death but I hope that when the time comes, my brother will be there and I look forward to seeing him again. If that makes sense.
Growing up it was, for the most part, just the two of us. We played checkers, argued, played other games or just watched the boob tube. We grew up in a small town and had friends, many who were the same friends. Life never goes the way you think it will, that’s for sure. He always seemed larger than life growing up and like he would do something big someday. I figured we would grow old and well, that just didn’t happen.
I know this entry is jumbled and not in any sense of order but then again, pain, loss and depression rarely has any sense of order does it. I’m angry, hurt, lost, guilt ridden and just plain miss him. I’m angry he died and didn’t let us know he was even sick. I’m angry at myself for not realizing something was wrong sooner.
I have been stuck in limbo since he passed. I don’t write like I did before. Shoot if it wasn’t for my friend Ken, I probably wouldn’t be writing at all. I never told my brother we write stories or that we are published. I figured he would just make fun of me and say it was silly or whatever. I want to move on but feel guilty at the same time for wanting to move on. But not living is wrong too. I should be living life that he was denied. Like I said, I’m a mess of emotions and don’t know how to sort it all out. Someone said write, so, I’m writing in hopes that maybe if I put this down, it will help somehow. start breaking myself out of this deep freeze I have imprisoned myself in.
I know others have lost so much more than I have. But he was more than just a brother. You see, I don’t let many people into my heart. It’s been broken so many times I’m surprised there is any semblance of a heart left. But he was there, he was at the center. I keep most people at a distance. It’s just safer that way. I admire people who have the strength to keep moving and continue with their lives. I wish I had that strength. I don’t know if this writing will help me to move on or not. I hope it helps someone. I cry more now than I did the whole first year after he passed. I haven’t been able to attend a single funeral since though and there have been some pretty special people who have passed away since then. I just can’t it’s too painful and too much of a reminder. To tell the truth, if I could I would skip my own funeral. I hate them that much.
I keep trying to hold it together for my mom, most days I do pretty good, I can put on a good face for her. I guess the reason it’s so tough this year is my daughter and son are not home. Angel always could make things so much better and happier. She is in Kuwait. I know they can’t stop living their lives just to come home and help me get out of this funk, I have to find my own way out. So yeah, depression because of my brother, empty nest syndrome, and a dash of holiday blues. Great time of year. Yes Charlie, my youngest, still lives here but I miss all the other kids too. Brittany and Buddy have their own families to take care of and their own lives to live. I will just be glad when the holidays are over and January 24th is past. Well, I should get off of here and go do something useful. I hope this helps somehow some way.