Although December isn’t quite over yet, I sit here wondering and thinking about the past year. It has been full of ups and downs and extreme highs and very low lows. My son and I write books, we publish them and sell them as e-books as well as paperbacks. In 2014 we spent almost every weekend gone to some event somewhere selling our books. My hubby is only home on the weekends so you can imagine I didn’t see him much. My daughter made a comment that I should spend more time with hubby. January 2015 came round and I thought about it but had started to make plans to fill the weekends up anyway. I was going to try and leave a weekend a month open, only attend the bigger events were books were bound to sell.
Then a horrible thing happened. My brother passed away on January 24th. I had never told him about our little publishing company or that we write books. I thought he would think it was stupid and a waste of time. Now he was gone. It really devastated me in a way I still have a hard time explaining. But it got me to thinking. Is the running around selling books, missing time with hubby worth it? I still am not really selling hundreds of books a month, e-books or paperbacks. It just seemed pointless afterword. Oh there were events that I still dearly wanted to attend. The Wizarding World Comic Con that came to Des Moines. The event was the ultimate high to the death of my brother. They were on the opposite sides of the spectrum. There were other events that we attended that were also very good and enjoyable.
Then my illnesses started. I had thought to start a kiosk type thing in our local mall to sell books. Not just mine but other authors as well. Fell and smacked my head, 10 stitches later and a lump found on my thyroid began a year of many Dr. visits. A hernia repair in the middle of everything else and trying to settle my brother’s affairs. Well, it really was just a hard year. My heart just wasn’t in it when it came to smaller events like a town festival or something.
So 2014 I was busy busy busy selling paperbacks and trying to get sales of e-books as well. in 2015 it was the year of upheavals and just trying to get back into the swing of things.
What does next year hold? I don’t know. I want to find a happy balance of doing events, finding places to promote the books online and actually like getting back online again. I have noticed I have been avoiding it this year. I don’t know if it’s just the place where my computer is, same place for 7 years or so and same desk. I just don’t want to be so busy working on books and stuff that I miss out on living life. Being with my hubby in Hawaii for 14 days with no computers, barely even a cell phone, was wonderful and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The first time we had a honeymoon or any kind of vacation where it was just the two of us. Jim and Barb as well as Shayla and Kevin and another couple were there. But in the hotel room and on the lanai it was just us. It was wonderful.
I know I have to work hard to get anywhere but at what cost? I have always had that issue. My mom worked very hard and put her work before us. She had to, it was only her bringing in a paycheck. I know you can’t live on dreams alone. Money comes in real handy when you want to keep heat in your house or put food on the table.
I talked to a friend who quit the book writing business. I thought he was so good! I wanted to write like he did. He said he gave it 5 years and 3 novels and hadn’t done much so he quit.
Has the thought crossed my mind? Yes it has. I just don’t know any more. I feel like I’m at a crossroads and don’t know which way to go or what to do. So I am sitting here at the crossroads not doing anything which is just as bad as a wrong decision.
I’m reading Stephen King’s writing book, so far I keep thinking, what the hell? All he is talking about is his childhood which the memories are spotty at best and how he got into trouble, liked going to the movie theater and such. I’m hoping further along it will give some golden nuggets of wisdom or some inspiration or something!
Am I rambling here? yes, because this year has been a jumble of emotions ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other. I feel lost and just not sure what to do. I have big dreams but worry at the same time I am blowing smoke up a pipe dream just like millions of others who never see their dreams come true either. And yes, this coming year I will be turning 50 and wondering what the hell I have done with my life. So I guess I will leave with this, I will be trying to figure out just exactly which way to go on my crossroads of life. The new year is a new start and I hope a better one that this year in the aspect of no family deaths. We have had three now this year with a young woman who took her life this past weekend. I am still in shock over that one. My brother, my cousin and now her. So I hope you have your life figured out and where you are going. Till next time and possibly next year.